Tuesday, May 17, Rio de Janeiro

So I did go to the book club discussion of the poly group here in Rio – they talked about a chapter in More than two, about rules and agreements. I felt incredibly disconnected from the whole scene – although it hasn’t been that long since I was in the same mindset, it felt like ages ago. Rules? You’re fucking kidding me. Agreements, volatile at best. Often artificial cocoons of fake comfort, of stunted growth and self-denial. You do what you can to know yourself and rediscover over and over what you want, express clearly (yeah, I know, another trick) how you feel and try to meet your needs, with or without the help of others. I had a good time though, mostly chatting with the girl I sort of hooked up at the Free Kisses party and singing to some of them on the metro back to Catete. They liked my singing and were eager to try Balkan rhythms. Tomorrow hopefully going north towards Guarapari, the silly Brazilian websites still refuse my debit card and won’t let me purchase tickets. You’d think by now they should have the whole tourist economy up and running smoothly. They don’t.

Meeting a friend of F. in a bookstore in Botafogo…. got so much human warmth from him just in the space of two hours of relaxed conversation.

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Wednesday, May 18, on the bus to Guarapari

The hell of the recently recovered new ageist continues. Fuck, I was so much happier when I felt the sense of connectedness with everything, when life and events seemed to make sense (external sense, that is), on their own and were communicating with me in an intelligent and intelligible manner, as part of something coherent and beautiful. The return to the Fully Automated Mechanical model is disparaging and reeks of futile and desperate air of are we here yet again? Now the sensation of a solipsistic mind doubting any connection – any real connection that is not its own invention-projection, is daunting, disheartening. Fuck. This. Shit. I want the happy gooey We’re all one feeling back. On my way north, today Guarapari.

Thursday, May 19, Guarapari

The place is absolutely desolate in bad weather. Trying my luck tomorrow in Belo Horizonte, a 10 hours bus ride away.